Two Things to Avoid Asking People You’ve Just Met
February 8th, 2007
Written By: Adam Sussman
While hanging out with a buddy of mine we were talking about how people that we’ve just met love to ask certain questions. It seems without realizing it; people love to ask two very personal questions before taking the time to get to know one another.
I have not read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People” for almost 18 years so I can not recall how Dale would feel about a person asking another person this question. In the conversation I was having with my buddy there were quite a few negatives to answering this question.
First, by revealing what you do for a living you are essentially telling the person how much money you make. Perhaps you are not telling the person your exact financial net worth, but one could presume the more impressive your business sounds the more financially well off you are.
The flip side to this is that while talking to someone you just met and you told them that your position was something more labor intensive, one could sum-up your entire value structure. As my buddy mentioned, he could easily tell people that he was a plumber or mechanic and immediately that person’s impression of him would drastically change within those first few moments versus him telling people that he was a president of a thriving company.
I have been thinking about this conversation for the past week and I have found that there is a second question many people ask me within our first encounter which I despise. “Where did you go to college?”
By asking someone where they went to school I see that there are a few possible answers to this. First one might end-up with the awkward answer “I did not go to college” or if that person went to college, they might answer that they went to a less desirable school.
I will admit that almost everyone I grew-up with ended up going to college but only a tiny few actually went to a university that is worth being proud of.
If you think about it, by asking someone what college they went to, you are asking them really how smart society has ranked them. You might as well just ask someone, “How well did you progress in societies standardized educational institutions?”
By telling the person who asked that you went to a less desirable school or did not attending at all is as if you’ve provided that person with a tainted canvas.
With just two seemingly innocent questions, whole sorts or prejudices arise.
Asking questions like these have become part of our second nature. The majority of us have been part of a social institution our whole lives taking part in standardized tests using #2 pencils on Scantrons.
We’ve all been led to believe the better grades we got in middle and High School the better colleges we would attend and from there it would be easy sailing to suburbia with our glamorous high paying corporate jobs.
This is actually leading me into a whole other area which talks about how most entrepreneurs never fit the standardized model society laid out. Most entrepreneurs are independent free thinkers and can end up being highly more successful then those who followed the yellow brick road because they had to fight and prove themselves. They had to prove themselves not just to others around them, but to themselves.
As I said, I digressed a bit.
Going back to my main point which is two seemingly innocent questions, “What do you do for a living” and “What college did you go to”, although expresses an interest in the person your asking it also can lead to judgmental prejudice.
It is still early enough for me to add another resolution to 2007. I plan to avoid asking people I encounter these types of questions and attempt to build new relationships based on other qualities.
February 8th, 2007 20:46
Interesting stuff. I think it does apply though, especially to people you haven’t seen since high school. The only time you may avoid people judging you incorrecting, would be when you’re introduced to other entrepreneurs.
February 8th, 2007 23:15
You should not ask a handicap person very personal questions about their handicap. As a legally blind person I often get all kinds of questions and sometimes people want to make fun of me for forgetting my glasses. Of course then I get to make them feel real bad by saying that I’m legally blind and that glasses don’t help. Treat a handicap person like they are normal. At least get to know the person first before you start pointing things out and asking questions about their problems.
February 9th, 2007 09:40
I think that the reason alot of people chose Work is because it is less volatile. So many people worry about how to carry a conversation.
Talking about where people are from and what they do are likely to be things that wont offend or anger someone.
Any idea on what should be talked about..
Also i have never ever been asked what school i go to. I think only college graduates who think that their school says a thing or two about them ask that question. Cause i have never asked it unless of course someone mentions their time in school or whatnot. Then of course i want to know cause it ties into their story.
February 9th, 2007 12:12
There is so much truth to what you just said. I often ask these questions and make similar assumptions. I’ve also been on the other end, and have felt the need to explain my answers… as if I needed to prove my worth.
Great post.
February 9th, 2007 12:23
Ogletree, interesting point. I’ve never thought about getting personal with someone who has a obvious handicap. Although many times I would see some people who carry the handicap sign park their cars in optimal parking spots in their large SUV’s. But thats a conversation for another time.
Brent, as for what we should talk about I guess that is the challenge. Try not talking to people about work in your first encounter with that person. It is interesting to see what comes of it.
Karl, I think many people can relate to what you just said.
February 11th, 2007 08:22
I recall reading a study done a number of years ago about this. A large number of men were put into a room to socialize but were told they could not ask about work or jobs. The results were a bunch of men who had no idea what to talk about. Sports? Not so much.
Families. Ditto. Feelings? Hahahaha.
This same experiment was done with females. I am sure you can guess the results. They had LOTS to talk about. Families, interests, feelings, life, fashion, homelife, kids, relationships, etc.
The point is that males are very much defined by their work. It’s how they are perceived in society as well as how they perceive themselves. While most women do work it’s not how they define themselves or it’s a very small part. They are much more well-rounded,
pun intended.
February 11th, 2007 10:42
How about “boxers or briefs?”
February 11th, 2007 15:40
I’m getting ready to visit China, and have been reading a bit about the different assumptions Chinese have about appropriate topics when meeting strangers. The books say - don’t be surprised if a Chinese stranger makes conversation by asking questions like:
‘what is your religion?’
‘why don’t you have any children’, and
‘why are you so fat?’
Should be an interesting visit.
February 11th, 2007 20:47
Good points.
Even worse… I’ve had a few strangers ask me what my parents do for a living & where my parents went to school. (WTF!?)
The rule I grew up with was to avoid starting conversations about Sex, Religion & Politics. (You never know who you’re going to offend)
One exception might be if you already know the answer. It can be a good move to ask someone where they went to school if you already know it was Harvard. You can act impressed and give them a chance to talk favorably about themselves a little.
(IMO)Unless you already know the answer… It’s also a good idea to avoid asking about things like marital status & kids. Luckily, I don’t have any problems in that area but I realize a lot of people do. The last thing I want, is to get stuck listening to someone’s divorce, or infertility details. It always amazes me when a near stranger starts asking me about my wife and kids. What if we were getting a divorce or my wife just had a miscarriage?
February 12th, 2007 09:37
Funny enough, that as someone who quit college and sees it as having no value, I rarely ever ask anyone where they went. The exception would be, that at my age a lot of people are still IN college and theres not much else to talk about. I’m pretty proud of not having graduated college. As Kanye said, “Oh you graduated? Naw, I decided I was finished.”
The old “what do you do” question. I guess I ask it often enough, and I get asked a lot. I give a slightly different answer every time. How DO you explain what some of us do? It would be interesting to see where conversations go if you purposely try to leave that out of it.
February 12th, 2007 18:25
The college thing affects me but in the present tense. I live in a college town. I’m young. I’m always on the computer. So people are always asking me what my major is. It can an awkward question; I choose not to let it be awkward. I play the drop-out turned biz owner card on people and their like “wow”. So I don’t think it’s the questions that are awkward, it’s just people. I could care less what people think and tell it like it is, no matter what the question is.
February 13th, 2007 10:31
So what do you do for a living and where did you go to college? LOL
I agree with you completely, people do start making all sorts of assumptions with those two pieces of information when in reality neither of them really define people at all… it is sad that we live in a label driven society where people start to assume based on generalizations instead of getting to know people.
February 18th, 2007 00:26
Bah, just answer any question with, “I would, but my ass would hurt.”
February 21st, 2007 20:26
Unless you already know she is, never, ever ask a woman, “Are you pregnant?”
July 1st, 2007 19:45
I’m so glad you wrote about this topic in your blog; it’s good to know I’m not the only having to field invasive questions. When I tell people what I do for a living, I almost always get follow up questions on my decision to get into the industry, my experience, and training. I even get people asking me for ‘tips’ which I think is an insult, years of learning went into this and they assume I can just tell them everything they need to know to “get rich” in under an hour. I also get the question of “how much do you make” and “how much did you start with.” I used to just lie to them, depending on their station in life I would tell them something that wouldn’t be too far out of their comfort zone, but I’ve just decided after reading your article to tell the truth… “I don’t share specific dollar amounts with anyone but my CPA” and “I’m not qualified to teach this subject but I’m sure you can find great teachers if you’re really interested.” These responses may come across as rude, but a rude response for a rude question makes it okay.